BREAKING NEWS: RAT INFESTATION IN THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT!

  • A huge rat infestation has been discovered in the Houses of Parliament;
  • 650 rats were discovered inhabiting the House of Commons;
  • 800 rats were discovered inhabiting the House of Lords;
  • Footage from hidden CCTV cameras shows that the rats in the Commons are invisible most of the time;
  • The cameras in the Lords show the rats are very visible when signing in, but are seldom seen in the chamber;
  • Rumour has it that the rats became more visible during discussions on MPs & Lords wages;
  • Exterminators have been on-site for a few weeks now, trying to flush all the rats out and into the River Thames;
  • The pre-exterminators will use a treatment, commonly known as the democratic process;
  • If the pre-extermination process fails, as it has many times before, the Exterminators will revert to other methods;
  • Appropriately, the rats in the Lords are covered in ermine-clad fur;
  • The fur on those rats is so regal that they think they’re better than the people they represent;
  • The pompous attitude of the rats in the Commons suggests they don’t care about the exterminators, or the food providers;
  • The Exterminators are considering all measures, including the Pied Piper method and the dangling method;
  • In anticipation, the Stock Exchange recorded a massive rise in the share prices of the various British Rope Manufacturers.

 

A well worn, but temporary, extermination treatment, commonly known as the democratic process, was used to eradicate the rat infestation but it only succeeded in eradicating them from the House of Commons, where 650 were proven to have been deracinated. However, there is a distinct possibility that they could return, and possibly as soon as this coming Friday, 9th of June.

 

On the other hand, in the House of Lords there has proven to be a far worse infestation and those rats seem to be nigh on impossible to eradicate – in fact they are growing at a rate of knots. The eradication team counted approximately 800 deep rooted rats which were clad with ermine fur – which is appropriate for a rat, as ermine comes from a fellow rodent.

 

Footage from hidden CCTV cameras shows that the rats in the Commons are invisible most of the time and small numbers can be seen scurrying through the passage ways, but rarely in the discussion chamber. Perhaps they think there’s nothing to discuss; or maybe they are rushing off to feast on some other wages, as rat-company directors? Moonlighting suits rats right down to the ground, as they excel in dimly lit spaces, but they are very careful to avoid the glare of the Exterminators torches – which have been known to ignite on occasion.

 

 

The cameras in the Lords show the rats are very visible when signing in, but almost as many scurry back out as fast as they came in and are seldom seen in the chamber. This could have something to do with the rewards box that they dip into on their way in; so they may feel that signing in twice a day is extremely lucrative? However, some of them do enter the chamber in order to catch up on the sleep they lost the night before – well, a rats does have to rest, you know!

 

Close examination of the CCTV footage shows that enormous numbers of rats are very visible in the chamber during discussions on MPs & Lords wages. This is an amazing aspect of the rat species as they are very crafty rodents and will never waste their time and effort unless their reward is obvious. The rats in the Commons also display a pompous attitude which suggests that they don’t care about the exterminators, or those that provide their food.

 

Exterminators have been on-site for a few weeks now, trying to flush all the rats out and into the River Thames and their pre-exterminators use a treatment, commonly known as the democratic process, in an attempt to bring the rats to heel. If the pre-extermination process fails, as it has many times before, the Exterminators will revert to other, more permanent, methods.

 

The Exterminators are considering all measures, including the ‘Sugar-Coated Inducement’ that the rats love, as it involves them gorging themselves to death; also the ‘Pied Piper of Hamelin’ method, which is designed to lure them into the Thames, to drown in that murky silt.

 

However, the Exterminators have mentioned that they prefer an age-old treatment, which gives a signal to all of the remaining rats that they are being constantly monitored – it is known as the ‘Dangling Method’. News of this has reached the Stock Exchange and – perhaps in anticipation – the Stock Exchange has recorded a massive rise in the share prices of the various British Rope Manufacturers.

 

The test will come when the new plague of rats decides to gnaw at the British people’s democratic Brexit decision and our country’s common law and Constitution. If they choose to uphold and protect those ancient yet still enforceable tenets, they will continue to be fed sugar lumps. However, if they decide to chew those – protections of the people – to shreds, then the Exterminators will be called back in to finish off the job they’ve started.

 

Whichever way we look at it; it’s a win-win for the people:

 

On one hand we get our pre-EU laws, freedoms, employment, industry, fishing rights, immigration stopped and reversed, and our Common Law, Magna Carta & Bill of Rights reinstated, which will be wonderful;

 

On the other hand, if the rats decide to chew our ancient rights and privileges to bits and crap all over our Constitution and continue to flood our country with unwanted immigrant-invaders, then we will get to send in the Exterminators and then replace them with non-party human beings – either way its job done!

 

 

This Thursday is Election Day, so make sure you get out and vote for whoever voted for Brexit a year ago; regardless of their Rat Party.

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